Yep, on my 7th day of “getting off kratom”, I relapsed. I don’t feel bad tho. In fact, I’m much calmer than I’ve been this past week.

I know how addiction works. I know this is part of it. But the reason I relapsed is the reason I don’t feel bad.
The first few days were pure depression. No motivation or pleasure from anything. It wasn’t fun, but it was bearable. However, in the past couple of days, something in my brain switched. Instead of pure depression, my brain started alternating between depression and pure, unfiltered anxiety. And crippling anxiety at that…

I’m an anxious person. I know that. But this was honestly something different. Nearly every waking moment I was stressed af, literally shaking, trying desperately to be productive and distract myself. Being in public was torture. And when I wasn’t anxious, I was back to being depressed. Honestly, the depression was much preferable, because I didn’t feel the existential dread and all of my life problems towering over me, like I was gonna have a heart attack or faint all the time. This was by far one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. And so I discussed it with my bf…

We struck a deal. One day of the week, I can go crazy with kratom. Otherwise I take none. That’s the deal.
Honestly? I predict I’ll feel great that one day and spend the rest of the week in withdrawal. But to be brutally honest, even that one day is worth it. Cause this anxiety…it’s hard to put into words. It’s pure hell. Always stressed, unable to relax at all, heart rate always through the roof, permanently in fight-or-flight mode. It’s really hard to describe…but it’s the worst.

Today is that day. I already had some. And right now, I feel calm. I finally don’t feel like the walls are closing in on me constantly. I feel like I can do stuff without having a panic attack. I feel…good, honestly.

And that’s it. I needed to get that out. You can judge me, call me a junkie or say that I’m just making up excuses to take drugs. All of those are probably true. But…I just know that I wanna live. I wanna make it through this winter. I wanna be somewhat “normal”. And I want the SSRI I’m taking to kick in soon, to help me with anxiety at least a bit…

Honest to god, I’ve never judged anyone for their drug use. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “junkie” to refer to an actual person. It’s common in my country, people look down on them, insult them, call them names and say how it’s all their fault. I see them as people, cause they are. I honestly believe that they’re not at fault. I think anyone can fall into a bad habit and people shouldn’t be judged and dehumanized for that. But what do I know? I’m just a naive person who gives money to beggars on the street that ask for spare change, while all the people around me call them nasty names and insult them and dehumanize them and say that they should “just find a job”…

I’ve never judged a person for their drug use. And, even if it’s naive, I’d like to be treated the same way I treat these people.
I can’t force anyone tho ofc, so do what you want…I won’t care either way.