I should start with the fact that I’m a man, and my friend is a woman. I really care a lot about my friend, and she has been going through some hard times… but we all do, and I started to notice something lately.
I know she’s been going through some stuff, so I always ask how she’s doing, how she feels, how her week/day was, and I follow up on things she tells me. But I never get the same treatment back. 90% of the questions she asks me are about things I know, but not about me. If she even asks any questions.
For example, I recently I hurt myself, and I told her about it, but she never followed up to ask how I was doing. I also had kind of a big event happening recently and she knew about it but didn’t ask anything about how it went. So brought it up, but she wasn’t really asking questions or reacting so I cut it short because I was worried I was boring/bothering her. I also subtly mentioned how I’ve been feeling some burn out from social activities and big social groups, but she didn’t say anything so I didn’t go much into it. And at least according to a talk we had yesterday she has been feeling better, but still acts the same way. Actually yesterday felt even worse than usual on my end.
Part of me wonders if I should say this to her, but then I remember how much she is going through and feel bad about putting more stuff on her. But has a result I’m event more stressed and with more weight on my shoulders.
And the way this all relates to the title, is because of course every once in a while I have to listen to her talk about how men take so much longer to mature than women (we are the same age btw), how men have really low emotional intelligence and empathy compared to women, and how she would actually make an amazing boyfriend… meanwhile I feel she can’t even be a good friend. And of course it’s especially stinging when I am a man, and don’t seem to act as described, but have to listen to this when she acts like she does. When I met her I though she was a really kind person; now I’m starting to think she’s nice and sweet, but perhaps not really that kind… and I feel kinda like an ass saying that.
Overall, it’s (parts of what) got me feeling like I’m the verge of breaking down and just disappearing from everyone’s life for a couple of weeks or more.
Edit: Edited the title to be less generalizing and sensationalized
Your friend being a bad friend has little to do with her being a woman.
Careful not to assume all women or all men act in certain ways based off of one person’s treatment of you.
I’m sorry she’s not listening well or offering support in the way you need it. It’s entirely ok to limit your time spent with her because of that.
Of course, I’m not saying men can’t be bad friends or that all women are like this. It’s just a phenomenon that I’ve personally noticed (in my own personal life that is offcourse subjective) where the more often a woman compains about men’s maturity, empathy, etc. the more I see them exibiting those issues. The same for communication. I guess it’s just a specific type of projection, which you see everywhere.
I’m just saying be careful assigning those traits to all women/men/enbies,whatever. It’s a fallacy to believe that everyone in a certain group behaves that way because they are in that group.
I changed the wording on the title to hopefully be less inflamatory
Much more accurate :)
My other advice stands - sometimes friendships aren’t lifelong and it’s ok to take some space if they aren’t acting like good friends. Your well being is important and you deserve to feel supported by your buddies.
Good luck with all of that <3
I forgot to say, this isn’t the only women I’ve had this kind of ‘contradictory’ feeling about - hence the generalized title - it’s just the more obvious and standoutish case I have personally experienced.
Friendship should be a given and take. It’ll definitely have it 's moments where one person might lean on the other a little more but if that is the case all the time then that’s not healthy. You seem to put in effort but don’t find it reciprocated so I think you should reduce your interactions with her or other similar friends. It took me a while to realize which friends to keep in that inner circle that gets my full effort and social energy. The others I’m just touch and go. Hope you find that balance. And hey, a social sabbatical for a week or two isn’t the worst thing either.
Hey OP, you said you recently hurt yourself. Are you ok?
Haha thanks for asking :)
It wasn’t a big deal, completely superficial and it’s been a while, but it hurt a bit at the time and it would just have been nice to know she cares enough to ask.
Everyone is happy to demand others live to their standards, few are able to introspect and and see their own shortcomings. I see this a lot actually, where people are particularly critical of others’ deficiencies in an area where they themselves are terrible.
A friendship should go both ways and it is fair to have a reasonable expectation of her listening to stuff you need to talk about. You have a few options:
- carry on as you are if you’re ok with a friendship at the level it is.
- speak to her about it gently. Although people almost always take this badly, no matter how gentle you are. Practice how you want to talk through this and be ready for a possible negative reaction from her.
- tone down this friendship and focus more on other more fulfilling relationships of you can. Don’t necessarily need to burn bridges.
- last option if you feel strongly enough: burn bridges
