it’s hard to tell whether it’s autism or severe childhood social neglect. I think it’s both.

growing up in a poor shitty down full of assholes, and being smart and driven enough to get myself out of there.

and now i am middle aged and while in my 20s and early 30s people thought what I did was positive, now people I meet hold it against me in the worst way. It’s so fucking weird, but I guess as people age they basically revert to being judgemental weirdos who think your family/birthplace is the single determining factor of who you are. the amount of nastiness people direct towards me when they find out how I grew up is shocking and disgusting and vile.

I also went to a famous university and the whiplash you get from how people react to that vs my birthplace is just… well basically it makes you a total misanthrope because people are so awful about it. It’s very rare I meet anyone who doesn’t give a shit about either of those things about me, and those are the people I actually enjoy interacting with.

personally i thought i lived the american dream, but man other people are very very hostile to you, especially because I guess I went from rags to merely middle class, not riches.

mmmm. I mean I don’t feel like I have changed much in my life and I think compared to most people I know. Well I don’t exactly get people saming I am exactly the same but its rare that someone is unsure if im the person they knew years ago. Part of that is the look I grew into in high school has stayed pretty consistant but also my walk and way I am I think. Honestly I think its just mainly wanting an equal society. And no I don’t mean everyone being 100% the same. I mean that everyone can live and have the basics and enough discretionary resources to get or improve things that are important to them. I really can’t be happy without at the very least feel we are moving towards that. So I have kinda been unhappy most of my life but especially so now.

SNRIs

Being lied to

School trama by the guidance counselors and therapists.

Never liked big tech, but I liked it less and less as time goes on.

Crippling fear of climate change.

I was born with an opinion of right and wrong.

My dad sketched while I was a kid and I liked how it looked so I tried to copy it. Ever since then, I’ve been drawing and I love it

A lifetime of neglect surrounded by people who told me they were only neglecting me because that was the kind of love that I needed.

Probably undiagnosed mental illness. I spent 30+ years as a round peg trying to fit in a square hole, until I realized one day that the way I like to be is fine and I should enjoy an existence that fits me.

16 years of child abuse 🤪

Found computers very interesting. Broke them. Watched how to fix them. Broke them again. Fixed them myself. Rinse and repeat.

It’s two-sided.

On one hand, I was raised by a forest ranger to hunt and fish and camp, spent my childhood in the boy scouts learning all that stuff, and brought up in strict, yet community-oriented religion.

On the other hand, I spent every other waking moment on the computer. I was essentially raised by the web circa 1995-2004. I was exposed to so many different viewpoints then. The web wasn’t nearly as insular then as it is now. You’d have forums where everyone spoke to each other. I learned to question my religion and eventually found my way out. I rejected all the right-leaning beliefs I was raised to have.

And yet, I wouldn’t trade that first part of my childhood, because it was genuinely a nice childhood. I saw what real community can be, something that I now lack. I picked up a thing or two about how to be a moral and capable person along the way. And gained lifelong friendships.