That really explains a lot of the time as to why I’m offended when someone tells me to do something. Is right when I’m already doing it or have the idea to do it.
Because after just being told to do something I’m already doing, I immediately think of no longer wanting to do it out of spite.
I eventually got over the feeling. My response is an “already on it” in the sense of a playful “i beat you to it”, and I expect an “awesome, thanks” in turn. That way it’s gratitude and support for each other - since that was the intention to begin with - instead of resentment for an unnecessary reminder.
Imo it helps to remind oneself that mental load is a thing and they’re reminding themselves just as much as you. Getting ahead of the reminder consistently will eventually make the reminder obsolete and lighten the mental load.
What a breath of fresh air in this comment thread. You get it.
This is all fine until they say shit like “you never do anything around here unless I tell you to”.
And when people constantly tell you “hey could you do this… could you do that” they never give you the chance to show that you would do stuff on your own as well.
Sadly this is what I think eventually broke up my last relationship. My ex was very much that, I wanted to show I could do things on my own accord but I never got the chance to actually do so and my brain in all of its fucked up ways refused to do all of that stuff less after being told to do so because it’s further perpetuating that i can’t do it without being told to first. And further down that spiral i went, deeper and deeper.
I have this and it’s due to Psychological reactance.I’m still trying figure out how to work around it.
I wouldn’t say it a true work-around, but my father has told us he will not do anything we *demand* of him, but if we make a *request* which he can turn down, he will usually be okay with doing the task. He likes being helpful and appreciated. A “request” from authority or with consequences if he turns it down, does not count.
This may not work for everyone, but it works for our family. And it only works because he’s old enough to be near the top of family/social authority. He was a rebellious son and there was no workaround for him to obey his parents.
Hey, could you get on that for me? Thanks bro
I’ve literally just started calling my mum out on it. I tell her, “I was literally going to, but now I won’t out of spite” so that she knows not to do it and that I’m just as petty as her when it comes to being told to do something.
It’s actually started to help
For me, that would be a great way to get kicked out of the house
You’re detailing a tantrum you’ve thrown over not wanting to do chores and think you’ve won something over your mother?
Who cooks in your house?
When I visit my mother in her house, she treats me as a child despite me being a grown adult by quite some many years.
If there are dishes in the sink, I naturally go to rinse them off, that is, until she says something before I get there of “there are dishes in the sink and you’re not going to wash them?”
It’s little things like that. I don’t know if it’s entirely conscious, or if it’s a control thing for her brought out by her own mother’s endless criticism of her every action, but it’s a hurtful thing where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason. You can ignore it and breed silent resentment, or you can address it.
I’ve started addressing it.
An implication where someone you love, thinks the worst of you for no reason.
Since when is asking someone to do the dishes after they cooked you a meal at this level of resentment?
When you are diligent, and someone still feels the need to pester you about whatever, it feels harrasive. She doesn’t trust him to do it on his own. That is hurtful.
Who cooked the meal has no impact on that.
I think you are projecting issues in your own situation onto tetris11.
Depends on the tone, whether it’s an accusation of your general being. You know how parents can say things in a way that seem innocuous, but are used as a way to control or denigrate in some small way. You couldn’t name it as a child, but as an adult you know exactly what it is, and is the reason why you limit your visits to only so many hours.
You still love them, they still love you. But it’s hard for them to shake off old behaviours.
I’m sincerely sorry that your relationship with your mother is so damaged. And I’m sorry that you’re stuck in petty tit for tat with her as a means to gain control. It sounds unhealthy and I hope it gets better for you.
Aside from that, using something so communal as dishes to demonstrate this social interaction is wild to me. Dishes need to be done every single day. To not do a communal chore like that because of spite in an otherwise healthy household is absolutely unhealthy and breeding resentment.
Out of respect, I don’t quite think you understand how close my mother and I are. Me calling her out on her control tactics and expressing my feelings in response to it isn’t the start of a petty war. She laughs and nods. I laugh and nod too.
It’s the start of self awareness in breaking a cycle, and she gets what I’m trying to do and respects it.
Often she forgets, because old habits die hard, but it’s getting better
You sound like a sealion. Stop being a dick.
You are assuming like 10 layers of the relationship in this whole conversation.
Me too, from autism
Autonomy needs a sense of belonging. So reassuring yourself that you made the choice before being asked.
…might want to keep an eye on the guy in red though. If he assumes your acquiescence too much you’ll get “thwarted belonging”.
You gotta reply to this post
Nuh uh!
I think fully half of the fights with my mom growing up was due to her telling me to do a thing, in the most naggy, demanding tone, as I was doing it
Worse: This, but with a fiancée… “Eurgh, you never do any household work!” “Seriously? Sure we can have that discussion, but like… literally while I’m vacuuming?!”
Urgh yeah, the absolute social misplay of using someone’s decision to be productive as an excuse to badger them about how rarely they are productive.
Like, this is human interaction 101, don’t punish good behaviour, bite your tongue and enjoy the win, save the discussion for when they aren’t being productive!
A lot of mine were me just returning from a different room, and the process of sitting down, and she says shit like “oh while you’re up” or asks if I could get her something from the room I just returned from
Why would someone downvote you sharing your lived experience? Some people here are so strange.
Haters gonna hate.
Or I have a lemmy-stalker.
Reason # 5,348 why I love living alone.
Im mostly ok with this, but when they start telling me how to do the dishes, that’s when I lose motivation.
Yup I dont like to study what I am told to study but I like to study which I am not told or required.
hey can you do the thing you’re doing
:(
… well now I’m not doing it!
This seems to only happen when it comes from people I actively dislike.
💯
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I love guilt tripping so I’ll easily hit em with ‘what do you think I’m doing? fuck you’ (last part optional ofc)
:
“fuck me yourself, coward”
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What a useless comment that completely misunderstood the exchange in the same way as velma.
